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So I hacked Billy Joel's phone and now I'm really fucking scared

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Food 

Thinking about how much I used to enjoy cold, flat Sprite.

Later I'll be creating an Instagram account called BelaLugosisDead_Official

Driving through Pennsylvania and realized my phone was missing. We called it, but didn't hear a ring. We looked at its shared location and it appeared to be at the gas station we'd just left.
We got off the interstate, turned around, and about a mile from the gas station I realized I had been sitting on it.

Considering how every other generation is named, "The Greatest Generation" should be named the "World War Twosies" or some shit.

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Just got back from going outside! It sucked!

turns out "hoist by my own petard" is a fancy way of saying "just sat on a live grenade like a big time jerkoff"

I will continue to draw sexy Pyramid Head like it's 2005 and no one can keep me from my life's work

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I'm hiding in one of your kitchen cabinets. You're gonna open it and I'm gonna quickly whisper "style." It'll be like a tiktok you hate but instead you're in it.

I have bad news for all my married friends. I don't have the heart to wake Ferro up and let her know the bad news about our obligation.

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