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lurching out of my grave to grab your ankle and hold you captive while i try out a new bit i've been working on

you may have to defeat my one evil ex and have occasional awkward conversations with my six normal exes

if i look half-asleep, it is only because i am making progress in the art of not looking completely asleep

Johnny Appleseed, traveling the land planting something in the ground. What is it? Could be spider eggs!

country music is mostly about cheatin', or having sex with a truck, which is a kind of cheatin'

[southern belle voice] well return me to the planet of the apes

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smoked too many cigars and turned into a wretched crying donkey

t-shirt idea: if you can read this, i love my wife!!!

"want you in my room" is rapidly becoming my favorite track on the new carly rae jepsen album

just kidding. the most dangerous game is jumanji. which brings us back to the jungle. full circle

the most dangerous game is not, in fact, man. it is an escaped circus elephant that has learned to use a gun

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Honey Mummy Central

A cozy little tomb full of friendly ghouls.